I hate Facebook today! I just realized that it's Facebook's fault I miss my friend so much. because if I didn't have Facebook then I wouldn't see his picture every darned day! and I would be able to forget aobut all the fun we had before he told me to leave him alone and never talk to him again... I would also be used to not being able to communicate with friends from the past, so his forced absence in my life wouldn't make a difference, because the other people I would have missing would make it the norm.
Of course I could blame cell phones, because his number is right in there among all the other Nicks (there are seriously 5 Nicks in my phone!). Logically I could just delete his phone number, and that could be a solution, but I don't think it would work, because, like I said, there are 4 OTHER Nicks in my phone, and his name would pop up again and again! Seriously, why did I have to be friends with so many Nicks? Statistics! I know so many Nicks because the name Nicholas was in the top 20 names from 1985 to 2007! Why couldn't some of those parents have been more creative? Edmund, or Luscious, or Jackson? I'm not meaning to insult parents, because most of these young men are actually perfectly called when named Nick, and I actually know a Nick whose parents WERE creative in naming him, he just wasn't as creative when picking a NICK NAME! (In case anyone was still left wondering which friend this post is about, his name is Nick, but probably not the one you think you're supposed to be thinking of... because the 5 Nicks in my phone are only half of the Nicks in my life)
Logically, I suppose I could blame the availableness of modern image capturing devices (digital cameras), because all my High School pictures with him in it are on those devices, or my bedroom walls, though most of the pictures of him have a hole where his face used to be because it made me ache when I saw his face all the time. Why do I keep those pictures around? Because he was my BEST FRIEND, and most of those pictures have me in them too (and I'm a vain person who likes to have lots of pictures of myself hanging around)
The real reason I am having a hard time letting go is really my own fault. I could blame technology all I want, it would be easy (Like I've shown above). But would it be fair?
I have never been good at letting go. I hold on to ideas and concepts until they're long dead and buried, and even then, I like to re-visit the past. I like to keep people in my heart, even when I know I've left theirs. This isn't true for everyone. I have some friends who I have forgotten, or if not forgotten, I no longer stress about their well-being. It seems harsh to say I don't care about them any more, but to an extent, I don't. I would be saddened if they passed away, but it wouldn't disrupt my life (once again, cold, but it's just how it is). However, there are certain people who I just cannot let die in my heart. The demise of these people would not only disrupt my life, but flip it over, and change it completely. I couldn't imagine life without my BFF, Nikki (yes, ANOTHER Nick in my life!). I mean, I know it will happen one day that I won't have her around to consult on pretty much everything, but I think she'll stick in my heart. I think her voice will still pop up as the little angel on my shoulder. She changed me. I am who I am because of how her life influenced me.
I am who I am because of how HE influenced me too! I am not saying he was a positive influence on my life... he probably wasn't. Being around him to often I started cussing more ( a DIRTY habit I've since relinquished), but other than that, I was happy being around him. He taught me how to really tolerate other people's opinions, and he helped me see that I can be comfortable around people who didn't have the same religious, political, or moral opinions that I have. He taught me, in a strange way, to love who I am even if people are mocking who I am. I am sure I would have learned these lessons other ways, and I did, but here's a man who let me be me, and never made me afraid of that. He was the first person who I trusted completely. I knew he would let me down on occasion, but I always knew ahead of time, because he was predictable. I was wholly comfortable with him. Our friendship (though it started out with threats issued by me) had, in my mind, become a block in the tower of life, an important piece of the puzzle that made up who I am.
I suppose THAT is my primary problem. I care too much. In the past I was reckless in my haste to form friendships, in grade school, I would let someone be my best friend if they shared a piece of candy. And as I grew up I realized that this practice was both unwise, and self-damaging. So I decided that the only measuring stick for friendship was time. Now I try to only trust a friendship if it truly endures time. This test has served me thus far. There are a few friends whose time stick is graded differently, but No matter which way I could have graded it, Nick had withstood the test of time. He made it almost 3 consistent years without abandoning ship (quite a feat when the average at the time was only about 3 months of consistency though the best all time record [not counting Angel] is nearing 6 years of straight consistency). Maybe time is the wrong measuring stick, but any other I can think of, and he seemed to make a perfect score...
Okay, thinking about this, this may not be very healthy, sitting and dwelling on WHY I can't move on from my friend. Maybe I should focus on HOW to move on. He has asked that I move leave him be. He has asked that I refrain from caring, that if I see him struggle, if I see him in pain, that I just let him suffer, and keep my nose out of his business. Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I can't do that. If I saw even the most contemptible human being suffering, I would do my best to alleviate this. I can't find it in myself to respect such a ridiculous request. I can't watch him suffer, so I suffer because I am asked to endure this. In all honesty, if I was captured by pirates, I would want to be the first to die, because I wouldn't want to watch all the other people suffer before me (yes, Harry Potter fans, that IS my boggart, watching my loved ones suffer). Maybe realizing why he wanted me to leave him be is irrelevant to my inability to let go.
Maybe the reason is simple. Maybe it's the same reason people suck at a cavity, or poke at a bruise, maybe I just keep the hurt around because it's there. Maybe I just need to let it heal. Maybe I need to replace my irreplaceable friend. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in the equation of 5 (my 4 best friends in high school and myself) who is holding on and wishing that he had stayed my friend. SO I guess my conclusion is that I need to find someone to fill the hole he left in my hear. Do you think anyone is up for that?
1 comment:
"Forget about the boy! And in the moonlight, don't you think about him, sister, you're much better off without him!... pull the plug, ain't he the one who pulled the rug? He's lower than an alley cat, dirty rat, and I flatter! Forget about the boy, forget about the boy, FORGET ABOUT THE BOY!!!!
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